Speak Jokes / Recent Jokes

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the more...

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA
Afro-American Speak - Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
Irish-American Speak - Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak - Kimosabics
Italo-American Speak - Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak - Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak - Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak - Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak - Zionics
Russian-American Speak - Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak - Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak - Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak - Harpoonics
German-American Speak - Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
Candain-American Speak - EH? onics
Florida Democratic Voters Speak - Moronics

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICAAfro-American Speak - Ebonics (or We-Beonics)Irish-American Speak - LeprechaunicsNative-American Speak - KimosabicsItalo-American Speak - Spumonics (or Rigatonics)Chinese-American Speak - Won-tonicsJapanese-American Speak - Mama-san-icsPolish-American Speak - KielbasanicsJewish-American Speak - ZionicsRussian-American Speak - RasputonicsSpanish-American Speak - Flan-icsScottish-American Speak - Tartan-icsEskimo-American Speak - HarpoonicsGerman-American Speak - Autobaunics (or Teutonics)Candain-American Speak - EH? onicsFlorida Democratic Voters Speak - Moronics

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.
After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"
The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!"

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!"

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words. After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work. Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!" And then he resumed his silent study and work. Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!"

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. “Pfufffff and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. ”Pfufffff and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back right now. ” Pfuffff ……….: p
Lesson: - ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST