Speed Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
DISCLAIMER: The sender of this joke and web site provider are not responsible or liable for any thing that happens while attempting these things.
CAUTION: Not to be attempted by anyone under 5 years driving expereince!
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio more...
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limitwhen the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture ofhis license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a thirdtime, at an even slower speed. Same result."This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-dutyofficer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: Each for not wearing a seat belt!
Humorous Computer-Related AcronymsIBM I Blame Microsoft Idiots Buy Me Idiots Building Machines I'll Buy Macintoshes It Bit Me It Built Microsoft It's Better Manually I've Been Mislead I've Been Mugged WINDOWS Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed When I Need Data Output Without Speed While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation Will Install Needless Data On Whole System WIN Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan Different Operating Systems ExpectationsMacintosh: What You See Is What You Get MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not Random Abbreviations for Many Computer CompaniesAPPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity DEC: Dump Everything and Close DEC: Do Expect Cuts HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic HP: Hot more...
By Nicholas Petreley
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Capitan, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order. "
"Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
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