Spinning Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights - the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and more...

This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"Allan Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of Allan Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Spinning Allan Smith!"

What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late? Your spinning me a yarn here!

Top 50 Worst Reasons to pull an all-nighter
by Jeremy "Shaggy" Toeman ([email protected])
NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one night's worth of sleep.
Heated "Less-filling" "Tastes great" debate.
Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise.
Watching Professional Wrestling.
Writing script to "Problem Child 3" in an attempt to put to rest all
the unanswered questions from 1 and 2.
Cramming for a test you have the following week.
Waiting for friend to call back with answer to "How do you keep an
idiot up all night?"
Anything involving latin, Taylor's series, or heat transfer.
Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center
of a Tootsie Pop.
Slightly confused on that whole 5 o'clock shadow thing.
Listening to every CD you own using that cool "intro" feature that
comes in SO handy with every CD player available.
John more...