Stands Jokes / Recent Jokes

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run.... run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get more...

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "Im too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one move s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his more...

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H. L. Mencken

What’s new? Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Guitry

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.

The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,' 'So, you've been out drinking again!''' 'Why do you say that?'' he asks innocently.' 'The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.''

Confusius say,"Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."

Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!