States Jokes / Recent Jokes
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
PRESS RELEASE
Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply more...
There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon.
He gets to the end of the bar and asks, ''excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong replies, ''well yes I am how may I help you?'' The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. ''I am a journalist'' replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies ''Oh, Okay.'' The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. more...
ALABAMA: Hell, yes, we have electricity!
ALASKA: 11,623 Eskimos can't be wrong!
ARIZONA: But it's a dry heat!
ARKANSAS: Literacy ain't everything!
CALIFORNIA: By 30, our women have more plastic than your Honda!
COLORADO: If you don't ski, don't bother!
CONNECTICUT: Like Massachusetts, only the Kennedys don't own it yet!
DELAWARE: We really do like the chemicals in our water!
FLORIDA: Home of the headless drivers!
GEORGIA: We put the "fun" in fundamentalist extremism!
HAWAII: Haka tiki mou sha'ami leeki Toru. (Death to mainland scum, leave your money.)
IDAHO: More than just potatoes. .. well, okay, we're not, but the potatoes sure are real good!
ILLINOIS: Please don't pronounce the "S"!
INDIANA: Two billion years tidal wave free!
IOWA: We do amazing things with corn!
KANSAS: First of the rectangle more...
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed more...
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck!
Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal.
Q: What is the definition of mass confusion?
A: Father's day in Harlem!
Did you hear about the Indian who couldn't tell heads from tails? You should have seen the scalps he took!
A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay.
He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, "Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in."
The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said, "The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say 'YELLOW'!"
This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt. The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates.
An American walking through the more...
The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline "United States"
"Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer
Washington - Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because [...]
U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries.
"Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly." he said.