Street Jokes / Recent Jokes

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Two molecules are walking down the street and one starts looking around. The other asks,
"What's wrong?"
"I have lost my electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a' 70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.

She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an more...

How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays: Republican say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine. Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.
Democrats do more...

It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up.
The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert. He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct.
He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back. The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a more...

And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays:
Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.

Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Cost-Co and more...

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied,' 'Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."' 'OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said,' 'Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''