Swearing Jokes / Recent Jokes
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"
"I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your f*cking arse it won't be Coco Pops."
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."
"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell more...
*Panama hats come from Ecuador not Panama.
*Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
*In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
*S. O. S. doesn't stand for "Save Our Ship" or "Save Our Souls" -- It was chosen by an 1908 international conference on Morse Code because the letters S and O were easy to remember and just about anyone could key it and read it, S = dot dot dot, O = dash dash dash.
*Crickets hear through their knees.
*A' jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
*The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
*Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by Bayer.
*U. S. Interstates which go north-south are numbered sequentially starting from the west with odd numbers, and Interstates which go east-west are numbered sequentially starting from the south with even numbers.
*According to Genesis 1: 20-22 the more...
A scientist was successful in cloning himself. He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper. The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out a heap of abuse and swearing!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, swearing waving his arms about and abusing everyone in sight. Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed more...