Third Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," more...

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path. "Oh, my," exclaimed the lady, "Come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter. She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst..."Hey, lady!" "Yes?" she responded. "Do you have a Kleenex?" asked the voice from the bushes. "No, not anymore," she answered. "Damn! Have ya' seen any Ducks?"

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way. The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

Three men were discussing their careers and the vehicles they drove.
"I'm a veterinarian", said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vette'.
The men smiled in amusement.
The second man continued, "I run a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon".
The men smiled and the first two now looked at the third to hear his answer. However, the third man was unusually quiet. The first two men prodded him to answer since they had each given theirs.
"Well", he finally spoke, "I'm a proctologist and I have a brown Probe."

There were three Eskimos in Alaska and one time, while they were at
their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside
and how cold their igloos were.
They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest.
So they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo. He said, "watch this,"
and took a big breath and exhaled. His breath froze into a big
lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine," said the second Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed that his igloo was colder still. So they
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said, "watch this," and
went into the bedroom. He threw back the thick furs and retrieved one
of several small balls of ice there. He took the ball and put it
in a spoon & held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went, "FFFFAAAARRRRTTTT".

Process-Oriented God If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines. Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day. And God said, “Let the committee draw up a mission statement. ” And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good. And evening and morning were the second day. And God said, “Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning. ” Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the more...

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."