Thought Jokes / Recent Jokes

Chaplain Meemordnilap's "Chaplain's thought" was in error. He had St. Nicholas (the original Santa Claus) confused with St. Dracula.
St. Nicholas, as we all know, is said to have lived in a fortress in the arctic region, from which he flew to reward good and punish evil, using the great powers he gained after being rocketed to Earth from the doomed planet Krypton. That is, except when he was disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Please correct all manual and computer copies, and report to your local Inquisitor to have all traces of Meemornilap's heretical teachings erased from your mind.
- Father Talbot, Lycanthropoi Khristoi

My wife said to me, "Frank, it's about time that you learned to play golf - You know, golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."
So, I went to see Red Miller and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls, haven't you?"

I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find."

"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow." he said, "And we will tee off."

"What's tea off?" I asked.

He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

"Not at a bar somewhere?"
"No, no," he said. "A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger."

"Yeah, I've got one of those."

"Well," he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of more...

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50. 00". She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?" "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it." How bad could it be?, the woman thought. Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table. The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!""Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad." Then the woman's two daughters came home from school." Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad more...

I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist? Thats right, Sir. So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend? That was my dentist.

A Collection of Lawyer Jokes



An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the more...

This comes from Herve' Negre's Dictionnaire des histoires droles, Livre de Poche.
Marcel was a French laborer who was intent on improving himself and his status in life. To that end, he enrolled in night classes and began all too quickly to disgust his fellow workers with his new-found knowledge.
At a lunch break one day, he started again: "I learned something last night that you don't know. What is the name of the person who prevented the Moors from taking over France? You don't know? I'll tell you... it was Charles Martel."
"And what is the name of the man who 'invented' the potato? You won't know - it was Parmentier."
"And what is the name of the scientist who cured smallpox? Let me tell you, it was Pasteur."
And on and on.
Then Jean-Luc broke in, and said, "Tell me who is Alain Lefevre? I'll bet you don't know!"
Marcel thought and thought, but he had never heard of Alain Lefevre. Jean-Luc continued, "You more...

A little girl lived on a farm and had a white rabbit that she really loved. One day, when the 12 year old boy from the next farm over got off the school bus, he found his Rottweiler tossing the corpse of a mangled white bunny up and down. Recognizing the bunny as the little girl's, he knew there would be big trouble for his dog if anyone found out.
"What am I going to do," he thought to himself. He thought about it for a few moments and, being a good, honest boy, he decided to do the right thing and tell the neighbors what had happened. He got the dead rabbit away from his dog and took it to the neighbor's house. Unfortunately, they weren't home. So, he gently placed the rabbit back in its hutch and latched the door, intending to tell them later.
Half an hour later, as he was shooting hoops in his driveway, he heard piercing screams coming from the direction of the neighbor's farm. He immediately jumped on his bike and rushed over to see what was wrong.
The more...