Tire Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is an actual letter of complaint which I grabbed off the
net many years ago (when it used to be called net.jokes, if you can
remember that long ago!) Unfortunately, I don't have the original
source anymore. Note the date sent and the prices quoted.
Atlanta, Georgia
September 13, 1970
Director
Billing Department
Shell Oil Company
P.O. Box XXXX
Tulsa, Oklahoma 74102
Dear Sir:
I have been a regular customer of the Shell Oil Company for several
years now, and spend approximately $40.00 per month on Shell products.
Until recently, I have been completely satisfied with the quality of
Shell products and with the service of Shell employees.
Included in my most recent statement from your department was a bill
for $12.00 for a tire which I purchased at the Lowell I. Reels Shell
station in McAdenville, N.C. I stopped at this station for gasoline
and to have a timing malfunction corrected. The gasoline cost more...

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy,' You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'

The guy thinks for a moment and says,' Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of' em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. more...

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on more...

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book." "How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?" The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, more...

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left reartire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another cargoes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lugnuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab whenhe hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of theinmates has been watching the whole thing. "Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the otherthree wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garageor something." Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizesthe plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that waspretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, notbecause I'm stupid."

Bonkistry Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion yearsby Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately knownas "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it pasthim to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there werethese two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on allof the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into thefinal they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that theweekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangoversand everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back toDuke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain tohim why they missed the final. They told more...

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
--------------------------–
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
--------------------------–
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
--------------------------–
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
--------------------------–
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
--------------------------–
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
--------------------------–
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set more...