Toronto Jokes / Recent Jokes

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits.
I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night".
Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from more...

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully). The 1997 nominees are: NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to more...

This article appeared in today's edition of the Toronto Sun. The "TTC" is the Toronto Transit Commission, and we usually refer to our subway trains as "the rocket".
SIZZLIN' HOTLINE DOUSED BY TTC
Whip them. Spank them. Make them ride the rocket in boy scout uniforms.
Beaten, but not bowed, transit officials say it took them no more than a day to realize a wrong number on one of their pamphlets connected riders to a well-travelled sex dominatrix.
TTC spokesman Christine Burkett said yesterday that the "Rocket Rider" guides were stripped from local transit vehicles last Monday after the number for a Spanish-language transit hotline turned out to be that for a local house of domination.
"It was a case of a typo not being caught," Burkett said. "Few noticed, but this woman was probably pretty pleased with the business you brought her," Burkett said of a Sun story which told the naughty tale of the snafu. With the fifth more...

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you."The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors
win the NBA title."The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.

How to identify a Canadian driver:
1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER
8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: more...

[San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.
His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been more...

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal
(Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it's only a small step to the rest! For example:
As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie nieghborhoods, have probably less than the average (and don't forget DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.
You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more more...