Traffic Jokes / Recent Jokes
All stations are to be on the lookout for the following
individual(s) that are WANTED by an agency(ies) within the United
States of America. The US State Department has expressed interest
in extraditing the following individual(s) from anywhere in the
world.
NAME
Kringle, Christopher Also Known As Santa, Jolly Old Man, Saint Nick
RACE
Unknown
HEIGHT
6' 0"
WEIGHT
320 lbs
SCARS/TATTOOS
Across both buttocks words Merry Christmas.
LAST SEEN WEARING
Red suit pants and Jacket with red thermal underwear. Red hat,
with white tassel.
KNOWN TO BE DRIVING
1964 red convertible, with a nine Reindeer powered engine. Vehicle
was displaying a red light on front, in violation of the State of
Alaska Vehicle and Traffic law.
WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CIMINAL VIOLATIONS
Being Jolly in a No Jolly zone,
Breaking and entering more...
Here's something I got (appropriately) over the net from someone,
who got it from someone, who in turn got it from somebody else. I
have no idea who originally wrote it.
"Think of the Internet as a highway."
There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information
Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing
like a superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.
Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways
were like the net...
A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes.
Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A
couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member
vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at
every intersection. No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out
the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic
laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a more...
How to identify a Canadian driver:1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE9. - Two hands gripping wheel, more...
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up to an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later, the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called every day for more...
SYDNEY, Australia - A man who reached for a clove of garlic as a first line of defense against a traffic offense has breathed new life into arguments over what constitutes assault.
Local media reported yesterday that Jeff Pearce was convicted of assault in a Perth court after admitting he had deliberately chewed a clove of garlic and then breathed in a police officer's face after being pulled over for a traffic violation.
A section of the local criminal code defines assault as the direct or indirect application of force, including gas or odour, in such a manner as to cause personal discomfort.
Mr. Pearce testified in court that a friend told him the best way to repel police was to chew garlic and breath on them.
Mr. Pearce then kept a clove of garlic on the dashboard of his car for just such an occasion.
But when Mr. Pearce was pulled over by police for a smoking exhaust, the garlic did not prevent his arrest for drunk driving.
He was later charged with more...
How to identify a Canadian driver: 1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE9. - Two hands gripping more...
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!