Train Jokes / Recent Jokes

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they more...

Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.

The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.

Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.
At the trial, the railway engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"

A railway inspector in Arkansas in the United States was making the rounds of a railway station and yard in a small town.
He located Hank, a man who had worked in the rail yard for almost forty years. He questioned Hank about various safety considerations and seemed to be satisfied that Hank was genuinely knowledgeable about railway safety.
As a last question, he asked Hank what he would do if he saw two trains approaching each other, on the same track, travelling at speeds of 60 miles per hour (96.8 Kph).
Hank said "I'd yell R.T."
The railway inspector, puzzled by this, asked, "What's R.T."?
Hank said, "R.T.'s my buddy and he ain't never seen no train wreck like that would be"!

The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air. seeking at him, another man said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnats whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away." The young man took a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train at the *last* station."

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"