Try Jokes / Recent Jokes

A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck.

A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the managers what they're doing.

"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."

The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.

The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the other managers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."

You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

There are three girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, stranded on an island 20 miles away from the nearest land. The brunette decided to try to swim to shore.
She got 5 miles and got tired, but she kept going. She got 5 miles more but then she drowned. The redhead was stronger, so she decided to try. She got about 10 miles, and got tired, but she also kept going and drowned.
The blonde was the strongest of the three, and decided to try. She got 15 miles, when she got tired. She kept going until she was one mile from land. She decided that she was too tired, so she turned around and went back.

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tyre. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: “Let’s catch a cab and in ten minutes we’ll reach our destination. ”
The computer programmer said: “We have here the driver’s guide. I can easily replace the flat tyre and continue our drive. ”
The computer operator said: “First of all, let’s turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem. ”
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: “Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again. ”

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.' 'How much do you want for the mower?'' asked the preacher.' 'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle'', said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked,' 'Will you take my bike in trade for it?'' The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said,' 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'' The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said,' 'I can't get this mower to start.''

The little boy said,' 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.''

The preacher said,' 'I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.''

The more...

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.

Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.

Trust everybody... then cut the cards.

Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

Two heads are more numerous than one.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET more...