Try Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy’s too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.
So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy’s feet are dragging on the ground.
They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.
They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.
The guy’s wife answers and says “Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Where’s his wheelchair? ”

Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!" Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)

****************

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink more...

'Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?' 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

'What sort of trouble?' 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

'Went away?' 'They disappeared.'

'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' 'Nothing.'

'Nothing?' 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' 'How do I tell?'

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?' 'What's a sea-prompt?'

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] 'Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?' 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?]

'Does your monitor have a power indicator?' 'What's a more...

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy... 1. Do not say what you mean. Ever. 2. Be ambiguous. Always. 3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault. 4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago. 5. Make them apologize for everything. 6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them. 7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks. 8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile. 9. Look them in the eye and start laughing. 10. Cry. 11. Get mad at them for everything. 12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm. 13. Hold grudges. 14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply. 15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value. 16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess." 17. Be late for everything. Yell if more...

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more paid of false teeth...try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man more...

Banta has a cross-eyed bull that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.
The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls` eyes will straighten out."
The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The bulls` eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the bulls` eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again.
The vet looks at Banta and says, "You look like a strong man, why don`t you give it a try."
Banta agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls` ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.
"Shit!!!" says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?"
Banta replies, "You don`t think I am going to put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don''t try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife''s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You''re wasting too much time. Why don''t you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."