Tubes Jokes / Recent Jokes

In the 22nd century.. how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source? ?
Five.. one to actually do it. .. and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish".

The other signalled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said "Irish".

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow".

Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin".

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy".

Replied the other: "Paddy".

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer".

Paddy more...

Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")
Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
Will find it hard to be inert tonight.
They know that Chlorine's on its way
He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
To see if the teacher really can multiply.
And so I offer you this simple phrase
To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry molecules to you.

Chemistry Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
The lab was quite still;
Not a Bunsen was burning
(Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
In their racks with great care,
In hopes Father Chemistry
Soon would be there.

The students were sleeping
So sound in their dorms,
All dreaming of fluids
And Crystalline forms.
Lab-Aids in their aprons
And I in my smock.

When outside the lab
There arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
And fell flat on the floor.
Out ot the fire escape
All of us flew.
What was the commotion?
Not one of knew.

The flood-lights shone out
O're the campus so bright
It looked like old Stockholm
On Nobel Prize Night.
My fume-blinded eyes
Then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling
A water-trough sleigh.

And holding the bonds
Tied to each one of them
Was a more...

Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")

Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
Will find it hard to be inert tonight.

They know that Chlorine's on its way
He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
To see if the teacher really can multiply.

And so I offer you this simple phrase
To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry molecules to you.

A Man Was Brought In To The Hospital Intensive Care Unit Ward, Put In A Bed Tubes Coming Out Everywhere. A Week Later, Another Man Was Admitted, In A Similar Condition.

Both Lay There, Machines Pinging, Tubes Poking Etc. A Couple More Weeks Before One Of Them Had The Strength To Raise His Hand And Point To Himself And Say, "Bengali."

The Other Patient Signalled He Had Heard, Raised His Own Hand, And Said, "Punjabi."

This Act Tired Them Out So Badly It Was A Week Before The First Summoned Up The Strength To Say, "Calcutta."

Other Replied In A Weedy Frail Voice, "Ludhiana."

Once More, The Strain Was Too Much For Them Both And They Passed Out. Days Passed Before The First Patient Managed To Again Point To Himself And Say, "Asit."

Replied The Other, "Santa."

A Few Hours Later, Asit Managed To Point To Himself Again And Rasp Out Weakly, more...

'We have two test tubes here,' said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University.
'They contain two carefully synthesised ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genitically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa.
'If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?'
'Could you possibly give us a demonstration?' asked an awed member of the audience.
'I'm sorry, not tonight,' said the professor,' Solution A has a headache.'