Unit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there`s no homework.`

For those trying to figure out how to convert Standard to Metric, here are a few more conversions to consider:

*Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi.

*2,000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton.

*Speed of a tortoise breaking
the sound barrier:
Mach turtle.

*16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Sterling

*Half of a large intestine:
semicolon.

*1 million aches:
1 megahurtz.

*Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
a bananosecond.

*2 wharves:
1 paradox.

*2,000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds.

*Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower

You may or may not have heard of the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
The following story suggests this year's leading contender:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his more...

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a
temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence
unit. One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all
assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance.
I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed, BUT a few days later, it
came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not
permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee.
Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
I did.

A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that they might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them a visit. "Is anything funny going on here"? he asked. "What do you mean by that?" the pair asked back. "I mean, you're not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe doing something you're not supposed to do?" "Absolutely not!" the Jim replied. " We are strictly co-workers" "Oh yes," the Sarah replied, " We hike all day, record our data, return back, and fall asleep exhausted. "That's right!" Jim replied, "and me in my tent, and she in hers!" The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in th e field with more...

A Man Was Brought In To The Hospital Intensive Care Unit Ward, Put In A Bed Tubes Coming Out Everywhere. A Week Later, Another Man Was Admitted, In A Similar Condition.

Both Lay There, Machines Pinging, Tubes Poking Etc. A Couple More Weeks Before One Of Them Had The Strength To Raise His Hand And Point To Himself And Say, "Bengali."

The Other Patient Signalled He Had Heard, Raised His Own Hand, And Said, "Punjabi."

This Act Tired Them Out So Badly It Was A Week Before The First Summoned Up The Strength To Say, "Calcutta."

Other Replied In A Weedy Frail Voice, "Ludhiana."

Once More, The Strain Was Too Much For Them Both And They Passed Out. Days Passed Before The First Patient Managed To Again Point To Himself And Say, "Asit."

Replied The Other, "Santa."

A Few Hours Later, Asit Managed To Point To Himself Again And Rasp Out Weakly, more...