Upon Jokes / Recent Jokes

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it more...

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't more...

There was once a very crafty and cunning thief who had all his life practiced theft without ever being caught red-handed. Now he was getting old and his son, fearing that his art of stealing might to be lost forever with his death, begged him to disclose the secret of his success."There's no secret to be handed down to you, son," replied the old thief. "Just go ahead and do it yourself, that's all."One evening, the young thief sneaked into the bedroom of a rich man. There he found a large wardrobe which was by chance not locked. Hiding himself in the wardrobe, he intended to wait until the master of the house had gone to sleep and then come out and make off with whatever he could lay hands on. Hardly had the master of the house gone to bed when he remembered that he had forgotten to lock the wardrobe. So he immediately got up to fasten the lock. Trapped in the wardrobe, the young thief did not know how to extricate himself. As the night wore on, he was getting more more...

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I
was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can
marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last man replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princesshappened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "Iwas once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we canmarry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare mymeals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happydoing so."That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

Hamlet's Cat's SoliloquyTo go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether' tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portal's opened up, to stand As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball; For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made As simple as the breaking of a bowl, What cat would bear the household's petty plagues, The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom, The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, more...