Usenet Jokes / Recent Jokes

Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
O Oracle most Usenet, How may I become usenet, too?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: First, go unto John, who will baptize you in the River Usenet, asking you: "Do you believe in the Net our God?" (respond, "I do.") "Do you believe in the World-Wide Web?" "Do you believe that the Web became man, was contaminated, died, and was buried, and rose in Version 3. 0?" "Do you believe that the Web will come again, on the day of the Information Superhighway?" "Do you believe in the Holy Seer, the Oracle, giver of life?" "Do you renounce the devil, Mephistopheles, Bill Gates, and all the incarnations of Satan?" "Do you renounce his programs and temptations?" If you can faithfully answer yes to these questions, you will be given Usenet, the gift of the Holy Seer. Prepare yourself, for the day of the more...

USENET ParodyNo no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to changea lightbulb? A1. Define "change"A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out? A3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive tolarge sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls. A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take itelsewhere. A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt. fan. lightbulbs. A6. Well, that's because you're a twit. A7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong. A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell "twit", twit? A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talkabout lightbulb fans instead of flaming? A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net. cop? A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt. flame or e-mail or something. A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what topost or not post. A13. Speaking of anarchists, more...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
O Oracle most Usenet, How may I become usenet, too?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: First, go unto John, who will baptize you in the River Usenet, asking you:
"Do you believe in the Net our God?" (respond, "I do.")
"Do you believe in the World-Wide Web?"
"Do you believe that the Web became man, was contaminated, died, and was buried, and rose in Version 3.0?"
"Do you believe that the Web will come again, on the day of the Information Superhighway?"
"Do you believe in the Holy Seer, the Oracle, giver of life?"
"Do you renounce the devil, Mephistopheles, Bill Gates, and all the incarnations of Satan?"
"Do you renounce his programs and temptations?"
If you can faithfully answer yes to these questions, you will be given Usenet, the gift of the Holy Seer. Prepare yourself, for the day of the more...

Diary of an AOL User July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is thebest online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd betterhold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.I don't know what is wrong.July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he thinkI am? July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn'tfit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old nextdoor did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Onlinefor me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that'sjust another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does theseservices for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me themodem. They didn't even more...

Diary of an AOL User.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. more...

These
Oracularities were rated as the funniest by its readers (average rating
above 4 on a scale of 1 to 5).
The regular Oracularities postings can be found in alt.humor.oracle.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Why did God invent relativity?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Well, it all started on March 12, 1867. Me and Lucifer and God and
Death and a couple of other guys got really hammered, see, and we were
shooting dice together, and Luci was really cleaning up. (I still think
the dice were fixed, but I don't know for sure.) Anyway, God got low on
cash, and Luci got this idea that he'd stake him, but if God lost, he'd
have to let Luci rewrite some laws of physics. Naturally, God didn't
like the idea, but Luci suggested that me and Thanatos could help, and
eventually agreed to the idea (did I mention we were all extremely
plastered?). Anyway, God lost, and me and Luci and more...

July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I`ve heard is the best online service I can get. I can`t connect, I don`t know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don`t see why. He`s just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn`t figure out where it goes though, it wouldn`t fit in the monitor or the printer. I`m confused.
July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.
July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He`s so smart.
July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I`m confused.
July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.
July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk more...