Vet Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to the vet. The vet tells him that the parrot has too long a beak and that is stopping him from talking.
"I just need to file it down a bit and he should be alright," he says. The man says that is okay and the vet replies, "It will cost a hundred dollars."
"A hundred bucks!" says the owner. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file it enough, the bird still will not be able to talk but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water. The man decides to think it over and leaves with his parrot.
The next day he comes back into the vet's shop, looking both sad and puzzled.
"What happened?" said the vet.
"Well, I just couldn't afford the hundred dollars, so I took him into my toolshed and did the filing more...

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. "Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him. "How do I do that?" he asked. "Carefully," replied the vet.

A veterinarian surgeon had had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.' 'Is this the vet?'' asked an elderly lady's voice.' 'Yes, it is,'' replied the vet,' 'Is this an emergency?''

''Well, sort of'', said the elderly lady,' 'there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?''

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied,' 'Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone.''' 'Really?'' said the elderly lady,' 'Will that stop them?''' 'It should,'' said the vet,' 'it stopped ME!''

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. . . After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs
are getting pregnant and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will
stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back
and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes up and looks at the pigs. Seeing that they are still standing around, he concludes that the first try
didn't take, and more...

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me........ A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me........ On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in more...

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all more...

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are
getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the more...