Vice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium.

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a more...

Alice and Monica were having a rare heart-to-heart talk.

"What do you consider your worst vice," Alice asked.

"I don't like to admit it," Monica said, "but my worst vice is vanity.

Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face."

"I wouldn't worry about it," said Alice. "That's not vanity. That's imagination."

New Words for the 2000sBlamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. Tourists - People who take training classes just more...

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldnt take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!". "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

Bill, Hillary and Vice President Gore were on their way back to Washington on Air Force One, when Bill said " I'd like to drop a $100 bill out of the plane and make one person very happy".
Hillary thought for a moment then replied "I`d rather drop ten, $10 bills out and make ten people very happy".
To which Vice President Gore said " I would drop a hundred $1 bills out and make a hundred people very happy".

The pilot then spoke up and said " Why don't all three of you jump out and make 250 million people very happy?"

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

Administratrium, The New Element
AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead more...