Whatever Jokes / Recent Jokes

Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the new boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being canned. Take this quiz and find out you chances of survival in the job world.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk. You...
A) swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B) inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of more...

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God".
"Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish ducks here".
So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.
Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.
The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on more...

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God"."Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish ducks here".So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the more...

One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap.
Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.
Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says,
Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for.
Ok, fine.
So, the frog asks, what's your first wish?
I want to be the most beautiful women in the world.
Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous.
You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you.
Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me.
Whats your second wish? it asks her.
I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer.
Thats ok she says. Whats his is mine, whats mine is his.
OK, the frog says. that is your last wish. what is it gonna be?
I want a mild heart attack.

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, more...

Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"
"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.
"Whatever, whatever you shay."
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
"Hey! There`s somebody in my bed!" says Banta.
"There`s somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.
"Let`s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we`re going to sleep in the beds!" says more...

Why is it that when a teacher tries to eat candy or gum or whatever during the lesson, he/she does his/her best not to be seen eating? Pretending to pick up something, the teacher pop the sweetie in his/her mouth. Or tries to look very busy going through his/her bag/purse and eats a chokolate bar from there.
Come on, people! There are dozens of eyes pointed directly at you! You have no chance of making you business in secrecy! You might as well show whatever you are trying to eat to everyone and then eat it AND enjoy the envy of others. Since nobody brings apples to the teachers anymore, I think are entitled to a few candy bits every now and then.