Whenever Jokes / Recent Jokes

There's this middle aged lady who goes to her cosmetic surgeon
to see what her options are concerning her rapidly sagging face.
"We can give you an old fashioned face-lift," he says, "or we
can use a new high-tech procedure called' the knob.'"
"What's' the knob', doctor?", she asks.
"It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on
the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial
muscles which sag, and whenever you start to notice any new
wrinkles and sagging, just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin will be nice and tight again."
"Oh, YES, doctor! That is what I would like to have", she says
excitedly.
The operation is a complete success and she looks 15 years younger. As time passes, whenever she notices any new sagging, she simply tightens the knob and VOILA! Her face is again beautiful. One day about 8 years later she wakes up one morning and sees two more...

Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key more...

COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don`t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain`s desktop computer, even if it`s turned off.

Powerful computers beep more...

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

This thing I've seen from a guy from MIT. Enjoy!
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack-once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
THE MCI VIRUS:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're more...

When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.You always have the right of way.Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and more...

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.
"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says. Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his penis. Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"