While Jokes / Recent Jokes
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?""After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.""I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a more...
While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec. bat file. He said it said "File not found". I told him to do a dir. I asked him if he saw autoexec. bat listed. He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."I said type this in "type autoexec. bat". Again he got "File not found". I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed. He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.
SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.
His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995
Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck. " Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a more...
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said,' Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...