Wiener Jokes / Recent Jokes

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd then become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then become Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.
Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, one of the men got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay for them. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. He had his friend get down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine until they were dog drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and wasted.
"Man," one of the drunks said, "I've got to admit, that hot dog trick worked more...

It seems the young woman that crashed the wienermobile into a house, was very inexperienced at handling such massive objects..
So to avoid another such accident Oscar Mayer has brought in a consultant/ advisor. A certified expert with 25+ years in large wiener know-how and handling...Heidi Fleiss.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the' 90's!, he'd beCat Doggy Dogg. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy DoggPooh. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him tomarry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. Nog (Quark's brother more...

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Washyour hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with more...

How To Shower Like A Man:
1 - Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2 - Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3 - Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4 - Get in the shower.
5 - Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6 - Wash your face.
7 - Wash your armpits.
8 - Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9 - Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10 - Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11 - Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12 - Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13 - Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14 - Pee (in the shower).
15 - Rinse off and get out of the more...

How To Shower Like A Man:1 - Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.2 - Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.3 - Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.4 - Get in the shower.5 - Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).6 - Wash your face.7 - Wash your armpits.8 - Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.9 - Wash your privates and surrounding area.10 - Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.11 - Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).12 - Make a shampoo Mohawk.13 - Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.14 - Pee (in the shower).15 - Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging more...