Wife Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.
"Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."
But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.
"Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."
And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the more...

HOW I FIRED MY SECRETARY:
Two weeks ago, I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me...
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday.
I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis more...

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH".

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

A man's business trip is canceled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.
The man rolls over and answered, "Hello?" "What?" "How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."
He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?"
"Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,' Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.'

'Well, in plain English,' the doctor replied,' you're just lazy.'

'Okay,' said the man.' Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.'

One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast. Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey. Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar. The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?"