Word Jokes / Recent Jokes

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom, they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick and told them to meet him at the ladies room at 3:00 PM.
They gathered that afternoon at the appointed time and found the principal and school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness how hard it was to clean it.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long-handled brush out of a box, dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, walked over to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. It was the last time he had to do so!

How to Argue and Win Every Time
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
*Drink liquor.
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
*Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to more...

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

A teacher asked her pupils to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the zoo on the weekend and I was fascinated by all the animals."
"That was good, Mary," said the teacher, "but the word I want is 'fascinate'."
Sandra raised her hand and said, "My family went to the zoo too and it was very fascinating to see all of the animals."
"That's good too, but I want the word 'fascinate'," said the teacher.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
Since Johnny was noted for his bad language, the teacher hesitated calling on him. Thinking about it for a moment, she thought that surely he couldn't say anything to damage the word 'fascinate', so she asked him for his sentence.
Johnny stood up and proudly said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

These are stories from help desks around the country.

At 3: 37 a. m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write' click' and I more...

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings.
So one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said
"I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?"
Einstein agreed.
When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffers uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall.
The chauffeur took his place on the podium, and effortlessly delivered the speech, and invited the audience to ask questions.
He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.
The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said
"Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"