Work Place Jokes / Recent Jokes
Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for the lawyers. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft’s business. The day of the event, the Gates’ estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.
"Gentlemen," Gates starts, "please follow me." He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door. A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones.
Gates says, "Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings."
Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting.
"Bravo!" shouts Gates. "You have proven to me how much you want my business."
"Actually, I want just one thing." Carl more...
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked, "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and more...
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To fetch a pail of Water. Jack fell down And broke his crown, And sued the farmer And his daughter.
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on' Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my f****** advice, they'd let me know."
What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.