Writing Jokes / Recent Jokes
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for about 5 minutes. When I came our there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come one, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked nazi. He glanced at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! Isn't this policeman an asshole?
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It is important.
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11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You`re not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his more...
Two boys are playing football in a Pennsylvania State Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck
A Post Gazette reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy
"Young Steelers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook
"But I'm not a Steelers fan," the little hero replied
"Sorry, since we are in Pennsylvania, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again
"Little Eagles Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook
"I'm not an Eagles fan either," the boy said
"I assumed everyone in Pennsylvania was either for the Steelers or the Eagles. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked
"I'm a Browns fan," the child said
The reporter more...
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.7. Be more or less specific.8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.10. No sentence fragments.11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.14. One should NEVER generalize.15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.16. Don't use no double negatives.17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.20. The passive voice is to be ignored.21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words more...
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.
"What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his more...
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?""Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.""That's a good more...