Yeah Jokes / Recent Jokes

WRITE IN C (sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom:"Write in C."As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers""Write in C."Write in C, write in C, Write in C, write in C.LISP is dead and buried, Write in C.I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, for science it worked flawlessly.Try using it for graphics! Write in C.If you've just spent nearly 30 hoursDebugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad toWrite in C.Write in C, write in C, Write In C, yeah, write in C.Only wimps use BASIC.Write in C.Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C.Pascal won't quite cut it.Write in C.{ Guitar Solo}Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.Don't even mention COBOL.Write in C.And when the screen is fuzzy, And the edior is bugging me.I'm sick of ones and zeroes.Write in C.A thousand people people swear that more...

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.
She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like more...

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try. The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going more...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The more...

Rob and his new bride were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to Rob, "I have a confession to make-I'm not a virgin."
So Rob replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was this guy?" "Ernie Els" his wife replied.
"Ernie Els the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
Rob and his wife then make passionate love. When they are done, Rob gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says his wife.
Rob says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Ernie wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Ernie do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
So Rob puts down the phone and more...

The 5 Levels of Drinking
Level 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have
work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed
friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I
get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
Level 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against
artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level
2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with
my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long
as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), I'm
COOl."
Level 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing for artificial tuff. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most more...

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."