Yes Jokes / Recent Jokes
There was a priest and rabbi who became close friends over many years, and they'd often have lunch together. One day, the rabbi almost ate the priest's ham sandwich, which made the two of them laugh. Then, the priest got a serious look on his face.
"Can I ask you a serious question?" he asked.
"Sure," said the rabbi, "we're good friends."
"Have you ever eaten pork?"
The rabbi paused. "Yes, I have. I was touring the world, and I had stopped in China. A group of locals brought me home for dinner, even though I couldn't speak the language and they didn't speak English. They were very proud of the main course, which was roasted pig. I couldn't tell them it was against my religion, and I didn't want to offend them, so I ate it. I'm sure the lord forgives me, because I was working hard to present a friendly image of his people. Now, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, you've been honest with me." says the more...
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes," replied the man. "And did you have sex while over there?" The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice." The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called' Hong Kong Dong.'" The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?" "Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation." "An operation? What kind of operation?" "We cut off your penis." "Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?" The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious more...
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Redneck Driver's Application Plez compleet this paper, best ya can. Last name: ________________First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann SueAge: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty PoliticianSpouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] PetNumber of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: more...
Aging Gracefully...
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,
"Surely I can't look that old?" read on...
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Sisler High school.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Spartan." he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1961. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What more...
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one
look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He
immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began
to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and
started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here more...
'Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?' 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
'What sort of trouble?' 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
'Went away?' 'They disappeared.'
'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' 'Nothing.'
'Nothing?' 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' 'How do I tell?'
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?' 'What's a sea-prompt?'
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] 'Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?' 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?]
'Does your monitor have a power indicator?' 'What's a more...