"1998 Bumper Stickers" joke

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm just driving this way to tick you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Received from William Conway.