"A Final Visit From Saint Nicholas" joke

Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear-- that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling; the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV, where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie; the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should; or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss' bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us; "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist; "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;

'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?" I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night, and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense was caught in our eight foot electrified fence; he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!" Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me, I saw in the glare that it just might be he! called off our doberman clawing his sleigh and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair, and he poured out the following tale of dispair; "On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling, but now' neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year, and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer; although I would like to continue to use them, the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky; I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections, and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands, and I soon had a general strike on my hands; I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves, so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble-- an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble; my Allstate insurance was worthless, because they had shrewdly slipped in a' no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I. R. S audit; the government claimed I was out to defraud it; they finally nailed me for 65 grand, which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air; not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread, taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings, I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings. And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight, it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh, and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye; "I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat, but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh, and these last words he spoke as he went on his way; "no longer can I do the job that's required; if anyone asks, just say,' Santa's retired!'".