"A Washington Post columnist runs" joke

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing
interesting t-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.
I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
On the front- 60 is not old.
On the back- If you're a tree.
I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.
At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
My reality check just bounced.
Life is short, make fun of it.
I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.
Physically pffffffft!
Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Keep staring....I may do a trick.
Dangerously under-medicated.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.
Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furnitute.
Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.