"A light hearted look at bad kissers" joke

The Roto Rooter:
Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it actually begins to choke you.
The Rooster:
They begin to kiss you, then suddenly pull way... lean forward, then draw back!
The Swordfish:
They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses it's snout, in a blunt and violent manner.
The Grouper:
As they kiss you, their lips (which could require their own zip code) completely engulf yours.
The Deep Sea Diver:
They rarely come up for air.
The Lizard:
Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim.
Frozen in Time:
They never change the position, posture or angle of their head. It is as if they have mastered kissing cryogenics.
The Squid:
They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is how to slip them a breath mint.
The Wrecking Ball:
They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they come again!
Nick-o-Teen:
Kissing them is like licking the contents of a dirty ash tray. When you're done, you feel like taking a shower.