"Actual Headlines (4)" joke

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board