"Actual Newspaper Headlines" joke

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Farmer Bill Dies in House.
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms.
Eye Drops off Shelf.
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66.
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax.
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Stolen Painting Found by Tree.
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One.
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000.
'84 War Dims Hope for Peace.
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.
Deer Kill 17,000.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply.
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood.
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing.
Air Head Fired.
Steals Clock, Faces Time.
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff.
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board.
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction.
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies.