"All-purpose excuse form" joke

All Purpose Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!
Dear
Mom
Dad
love of my life
Assistant Principal
Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
Car
House
Pet
Espresso maker
Left arm
was severely damaged by my
infantile
puerile
inept
comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the
car
jet ski
large helium balloon
rodent driven sledge
Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
house
wife
Cub Scout troop
1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch
priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
imagine
fathom
comprehend
appreciate
pay for
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
hate me
sue me
spank me
take my firstborn
gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joking around at
school
work
church
the bowling alley
the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
friend
child
sibling
lease co-signer
only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
was so stupid
was so silly
would have been funny if it worked
you would have done, if you had thought of it first
I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Me