"An alternative medical dictionary" joke

My wife brought this list home from the health centre last night.
arterythe study of painting
bacteriaback door of a cafeteria
bariumwhat doctors do when patients die
bowela letter like A, E, I, O, U
caesarean sectiona neighbourhood in Rome
cat scanlooking for kitty
cauterisehad eye contact with her
comaa punctuation mark
D & Cwhere Washington is
dilateto live longer
enemanot a friend
festerquicker
fibulaa small lie
impotentdistinguished, well known
labour paingetting hurt at work
medical staffa doctor's cane
nitratescheaper than day rates
nodewas aware of
outpatienta person who has fainted
pap smeara fatherhood test
pelvisa cousin of Elvis
recovery rooma place to do upholstery
rectumnearly killed 'em
secretionhiding something
seizureRoman emperor
tableta small table
terminal illnesa) getting sick at the airport
b) getting sick at your VDU
tumormore than one
urineopposite of "you're out"
varicosenearby
veinconceited