"Attainable New Year's Resolutions" joke
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see
the largest ball of twine.
Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Not have eight children at once.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Start being superstitious.
Personal goal: bring back disco.
Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo
system.
Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
words.
Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a
chain or rope for a belt.
Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
Not eat cloned meat.
Create loose ends.
Get more toys.
Get further in debt.
Not believe politicians.
Break at least one traffic law.
Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
Stay off the MIR space station.
Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of
them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Mope about my faults.
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it.
He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.
He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to more...
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The more...
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full more...
What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection.