"Celebrity Answering Machine" joke
I believe there is a strong link between an individual's answering machine message and his personality. To test this theory, I called the machines of several celebrities. Here is what I heard: CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away. You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six. Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?" BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever your answer is, please be wise, be good to us." LARRY FLYNT: "&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your @%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound of the &*@#% beep!" JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you STUPID IDIOT!!!" HOWARD COSELL: "I may have cast off my mortal coil in overtime but my answering machine lives on with its inimitable running commentary. Anyway, the big question facing us at the sound of the tone will be whether you will leave a communicatory message of sufficient excitation to arouse the auditory interest of your many fans or will you stoop once again to your usual evasive obfuscation. We anxiously await what will be an indubitably momentous decision." G. GORDON LIDDY: "You better leave your name and number at the sound of the tone or I'll break your legs and hold your hand over a flame. In any event, I've tapped your phone line so I already know what you've said." MR. T: "HEY FOOL! Yeah, I'm talking to you! I really pity you if you don't leave a message at the sound of the tone. And if you give me any back talk, I'm gonna whomp you upside your head so bad you won't ever feel like talking again! All you'll feel is pain! YOU HEAR ME? PAIN!" WOODY ALLEN: "Please leave a psychologically soothing message at the sound of the tone because I can't handle any more hostility. My analyst's bills are high enough already. I just lost one girlfriend because of answering machines. We kept calling each other, but our prerecorded messages were incompatible." THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: "Please leave your message on the machine formerly known as' answering' at the sound of the tone formerly known as' BEEP!'"
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