"Chemical Analysis of a Woman" joke

Element
Woman
Symbol
Wo
Discoverer
Adam
Quantitative Analysis
Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have
been identified.
Occurance
Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet
state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at
a moments notice totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common
ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well
that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties
Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in crystalline form. May give
violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly
desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love
her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the
dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if
in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage
Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Uses
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a
heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests
Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green
if placed besides a better specimen.
Caution
Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in
inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to
succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a
certain amount of exchange is permitted.