"Favorite Newspaper Headlines" joke

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers' Strike Idles Kids
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Killer Sentenced to Die For Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, it May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart in Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropout Cuts in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter