"From a TRUE Friend" joke

Aren't you tired of those stupid, mushy greeting cards down at the card store? Here's what a real friend would send to another...
Dear friend,
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad...
When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you...
When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid...
When you are scared, I'll will rag about it every chance I get...
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whinin'...
When you are confuse, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass...
When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have...
When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass...
Sincerely,
Your friend