"Girlfriend Communication Guide" joke

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house.
I want new curtains... = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes. = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there. = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = You have to learn to agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = (Too late. You're dead.)
Yes. = No.
No. = No.
Maybe. = No.
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
An answer to question: "What's wrong?"
The same old thing. = Nothing.
Nothing. = Everything.
Everything. = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. = You're such an asshole!
I don't want to talk about it. = I'm not ready to yell at you yet.