"Homilies to live by" joke

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

5. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

6. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

7. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

8. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (And I can't get anything happening in my hibachi without gasoline.)