"Housecleaning Tips for MEN" joke

Sweeping and Mopping the Floors
Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble.... go find one roaming the neighbourhood quick!
Vacuuming
Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate.
Dusting
Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer... and that just is unacceptable!) For the illusion of using those products... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.
Laundry
First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes... run the dryer again... and again and again... and when the utility bill comes.... have a stroke!
Cleaning Toilet
Close the lid.
Cleaning Shower
Close the shower door or curtain.
Cleaning the Rest of the Bathroom
Close the door. Again... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath... pour some lysol in the trash can... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which..
Taking out the Trash
If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbour... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbour as well! Try not to use it too often... they might get suspicious.
Dishes
Dishwasher... if it doesn't come off run it again and again... if that doesn't work... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbour is taking out the trash).