"How To Translate Womenspeak" joke

When She Says She Really Means

No...................................... Yes.
Of course I'm not upset................. Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you
Bob and I are seeing each other......... Bob and I are having sex.
I feel I've known you my whole life..... I'm drunk.
Will you respect me in the morning?..... You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date........ I always do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there.................... Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you
the first few times.
You're... so manly....................... You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at the
bar Friday night?.... I've been waiting by the phone for thre days
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's
just see what happens...... I'm not taking any birth control pills.
You're certainly lovely tonight......... Is sex all you ever think about?
I can't believe you're here. It must
be fate...... I've been following you all day.
I'm particular who I have sex with...... I draw the line at barnyard animals.
I'm not emotional and
I'm not over-reacting...... I'm having my period.
I hope you're not disappointed.......... I'm flat chested.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap?... Want to come upstairs and have sex?
Just come upstairs for a drink.......... Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge........... You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
Be romantic... turn out the lights....... I have flabby thighs.