"If an apple a day keeps the doctor away" joke

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had first choice.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.