"Isn't that what you meant???" joke

"Do you serve women at this bar?"
"No, sir, you have to bring your own."
"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"
"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."
"Aren't you hot from the sun?"
"No, I'm Smith from the Times."
"Why did you park your car here?"
"The sign says: 'Fine for parking!'"
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"
"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"
"Welcome home, darling. I've got dinner almost ready. I have candles and wine on the table."
"But I don't want to eat candles and wine for dinner."
"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"My father was a Pole."
"North or South?"
"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Get out of here! This isn't your house."
"That's okay. I'm not myself tonight."
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why he needs financial assistance.
"I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't see myself going to work."